Hello!  Haven’t blogged lately.  Not really that much going on.  I finished training with my staff (thank goodness!) and we opened campus for all the students to come back.  Heath had football practice all through August and Kalyn and Keali began school again. 

Kalyn is in 1st grade and doing very well.  She came home after her first (and second also) week and exclaimed, “Well.  I survived my first (or second) week of school.”  I didn’t know it was such a battlefield, but life has changed a lot since I was that age, maybe it is?!

Keali is in her second year of pre-school, and while I really can’t stand her teacher, she is doing well.  She is very artistic which translates into LOTS of paper coming home.  Once again, I am cursed with the decision of what to keep and what to dismiss.  That’s a nice way of saying throw away.

The twins aren’t in any permenant program right now, but they do attend developmental and speech therapy twice a week.  They were supposed to have started physical therapy weeks ago, but we are having a hard time scheduling it around what Heath is doing (they go in the mornings since he is home then) and what the therapist has.  Truth be told, I’m getting a bit angry it is taking so long.

Actually I get angry about everything.  I’ve never made it a secret that I suffer from depression, and being pregnant makes it worse since I am not able to properly medicate.  In addition to that though, I also have generalized anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress disorder (stemming from the birth of the twins).  As we get closer to Kynli’s arrival, I am re-living a lot of different things and I am terrified.  I live every moment in fear that I am going to again have a premature baby, or worse. 

Kynli is moving really well and growing appropriately at this point, so the single artery cord is not anything to stress over at this point.  We are still keeping an eye on it though.  On top of all my emotional/psychological issues, I am STILL the only Area Coordinator since we have yet to re-hire for the position left vacant in June.  My supervisor has since early August taken over most of the responsibilities that I dealt with during the summer (those in addition to my own) so that has been quite a bit of help, but work isn’t running as smoothly as it has in the past, though it is getting better.

I’ve started seeing my psychologist again just to have non-medicinal therapy to get me through the next two months.  She says it is pretty much a miracle that I am functioning at all based on my background and the added stress of being the only AC, and an unplanned, high-risk pregnancy that causes me physical pain with every step (a left over from torn ligaments and tendons from when I was pregnant with the twins – it doesn’t hurt when I’m not pregnant) and having four kids at home with a husband who works at night.  I try to explain that Heath really is the one who keeps everyone alive, but she seems to think that I’m doing pretty well given all the circumstances.  I still don’t feel great about it.  I have a lot of guilt.  That’s funny kind of because though I feel tons of guilt, I have absolutely no interest in fixing what is causing the guilt.  I’m too tired.  Not always physically tired.  Emotionally mostly.  Yuck.

On the bright side, I have an amazing support system.  Heath basically took care of the kids single handedly all summer (and still does with the twins in the morning) and puts up with my moods most of the time.  He also has completed the bulk of the housework pretty much since I found out I was pregnant.  I have good friends who help out with housework and such when they can, but mostly provide great emotional support and they just let me talk (that’s a nice word for what I actually do) when I am stressed.  On top of my hubby and friends, Heath’s parents are big supporters, though I don’t know if they realize just how much they do that positively effects me and my family. 

Mom is coming up to visit next weekend.  At least, that is the plan.  Oh, and we got great news yesterday!  My brother in law Richie and his wife Debi are expecting their second child.  This means so much to them and I am happy for their blessing. 

In all, this pretty much sounds like I am miserable, and in part I am.  The normal part of my brain trys to rationalize everything out, but the abnormal is a lot more powerful!  At least I still believe things will get better.  9 weeks and counting.