So now, I am 15 weeks and three days. That is almost 15 and a half weeks. LOL.
I am doing much better with the pregnancy now. At least the knowledge that I am pregnant. My morning sickness has been so much worse that it was with the twins. I've found that my morning sickness has gotten worse with each subsequent pregnancy. Kalyn was virtually non-existant. Keali, I felt horrible but never really got sick much. The twins I was nauseous the whole 7 months, and with this one, I'm nauseous all the time and actually get sick 1-4 times a day. Yuck. I'm already past my first trimester. I hope this doesn't continue through the whole nine months.
So, I've never hidden the fact that I take anti-depressants. After Keali was born, I developed post partum depression and left untreated, it progressed into a deep depression. I finally realized I was hurting my family and sought treatment. I loved treatment. I felt so much better about life and myself. I was able to be more like the mother I wanted to be for my children.
Then I got pregnant with the twins. I immediately weaned myself from my medication and within a couple of weeks hit the bottom again. I stayed that way through the pregnancy and when they were born early, I knew I needed to start back up immediately to help me handle the emotional and physical roller coaster I had just gotten on so I started the meds the day after they were born.
It took my doctor and I 18 months to get my medication right after the twins were born. I was back to being able to better control my emotions and reactions to situations (I had also been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.) And a whopping one month later was pregnant again - this time very unexpected.
Aside from not wanting to be pregnant, I was terrified about having to go off my medication again. I called my psychiatrist and told him I wanted to stay on the medication for as long as possible. He agreed I could do that until the third trimester. When I saw my OB though, he suggested that I get off that particular medication immediately and substitute another one. I agreed because beyond anything else, I want to take care of this baby. He is mine and I am responsible for his wellbeing. So I switched meds.
Now, five weeks later I have not yet hit bottom (though I am more prone to depressive states), but I have absolutely NO PATIENCE with anyone or anything. I'm kind of a...well, I'll let you fill in the blank (but it starts with a B and rhymes with witch.) I have what could be considered by an outsider, an attitude problem. Situations which in the past, even in my most depressed mind I would have shrugged off and just taken it, I am standing up for myself in a rather forceful manner. It's not me, but at times I like it. On the other hand, in addition to irritating those I love most, I am driving myself crazy. I wish I could have patience, but once I start to lose it, well...it's just better to let me go off by myself. I have a really strong urge to start cursing at everything and everone around me. I haven't done it yet, but it has been difficult.
25 weeks left. Pray for me!