Knocked Up.

A term I usually reserve for unwed pregnant teenagers. 

But that is how I felt this week.

I’ve been asking Heath to purchase a home pregnancy test for me for about a month and a half.  I have my own reasons—at it wasn’t because I thought I could be pregnant.  Wednesday, he sprung this on me, “Melissa.  I feel like there is another baby waiting for us.”  This got my mind working and I insisted he purchase a test.

Since the symptoms of my PTSD have started to decline the past few months, I’ve been able to consider the possibility of having another baby—in 3-5 years.  I’m not ready yet—but I feel like I could be an a few years.  I’m not completely opposed to the idea.

I’ve never been secretive about the fact that Heath and I have always had to use fertility drugs to conceive.  That is most likely how we ended up with Kynan and Kaci.  Drugs.  Their birth was quite traumatic for me (hence the PTSD) and threw into question the thought of having more children.  Would it be safe?  Would it be wise?  A lot of uncertainties.  Bed rest, early labor, another abruption.  Who knows!

Imagine my horror/shock/surprise/reaction when I saw the test was positive!  I instantly began to hyperventilate, and Heath took the kids to his parents house so I could process without scaring them.  I’m not ashamed.  I cried.  I panicked.  I began to blame everyone.  In fact, I’m still blaming everyone else but me because clearly I am not ready for this.

Obviously it is Heath’s fault.

The people in my office jinxed me by saying a couple months ago that I would be pregnant within the next year.

The doctor didn’t insist on my BCPs when I decided to go off them three months ago.  I didn’t think I needed them!  I only ever began taking them as a method of controlling hormones after the twins. 

Kalyn, found a crumb on the floor a month and a half ago and put it in my belly button.  (remember the poppy seed story) I humored her because she wanted me to have a baby.  I didn’t know she was going to impregnate me!

Hmmm.

But here we are.  Pregnant.  Again.  I can’t say that I’m thrilled with the idea (or the reality), but I imagine with time, this will change.  It was weird to see a positive test and not feel excited by it.  Totally different than any other time!

I’ll go to the doctor in a bit over a week, and we will find out a due date then.  At this point I don’t know how far along I am, but somewhere between 4-12 weeks.  This explains my exhaustion, nausea, headaches, grumpiness, and a host of other symptoms that I had been explaining away with reminders that I’ve been working too much and too hard.

On a happier note, today, we went to the ASU Museum to view Kalyn’s artwork!  She had a piece selected about a month ago.  It was quite an honor to be chosen and she is certainly proud of herself!  It was a beautiful piece.  After viewing the painting (a rainbow with flowers) we went through the rest of the museum.  Kynan had a blast once Uncle Brad let him out of the stroller!  He ran from display to display squealing with delight.  He and Kaci both crashed as soon as we got back into the car.  They were so cute!