Depression hurts.
Sometimes it is physical pain/discomfort. Most of the time for me it hurts to know that there are things to be happy about, but I just can’t find the happy feeling for them. Sometimes I can, but then my mind quickly turns back to the negative.
I love spending time with my children. I get true enjoyment out of watching them grow, develop, and achieve. I just have such a hard time extending the joy. The hurt comes from knowing that it doesn’t have to be this way (yea for anti-depressants!), and from knowing how my poor attitude effects my sweet loving children.
I think for the most part, I have worked very hard since going off the meds—seriously, somebody needs to come up with a completely safe one for pregnancy. I try to remember how my actions effect my loved ones, and I think I can fake it okay. But I am so looking forward to finding my switch (remember my post a few months ago?) for happiness.
One of the worst parts of my depression is that my thoughts can quickly turn morbid and disturbing. I don’t want these thoughts. I don’t want to focus on the negative things in the world. I push them from my mind, but they always come back. This turns me into a super-protective parent who won’t allow her children to act and have fun as children. This sucks. For them. And for me.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you read Jane Clayson Johnson's "I Am a Mother"? She doesn't necessarily deal w/depression, but she does address a lot of the things that trigger guilt and depression for me, as a mom.
It's sounds like you're working hard to make the best of things. I hope that helps and things improve. That alone is one reason why your girls are so lucky to have you--you are making an effort (and no one can understand just how difficult that is w/out having gone through it) for them.
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