What goes on inside my mind.
Yesterday I had a rough afternoon--depression/hormone-wise. Some things happened and at first I felt completely dejected, misunderstood, worthless, attacked, etc.
I went home and Heath asked what was wrong. I didn't want to talk about it--but I opened up to him about the situation. He did what he could do to make me feel better, but once I am in that frame of mind, its difficult to change until I have fully worked through the situation in my own head.
After awhile, I still felt misunderstood. In my mind, I am completely well meaning. When I say or do something, my intent is never malicious, however I will admit that I don't always go about things in the most appropriate way. Unfortunately, I don't realize there was a better way until it blows up in my face. I'm actually like this in almost every aspect of my life. It's comical sometimes!
So I took dejected, misunderstood, worthless, attacked, etc. and moved to the next logical step (in my mind). I would just separate myself from the people who hurt me. If I am not around them or don't communicate with them, I cannot unknowingly hurt them, and their response cannot hurt me. Fixes all my problems right? Sort of. Sort of not.
I realize this morning that I cannot run from my problems. I often face them head on, but I've had so many recently I am tired of it. So what do I do now? I'm not sure. I am still going to try to just keep my mouth shut if it doesn't directly effect me.
Over the course of about the last 7-8 months, I have slowly begun getting rid of the toxic things in my life. I have cut way down on TV and don't watch the shows that get my imagination working in a negative way. That alone has helped me a lot. I have also stopped trying to work on relationships where I feel I am the only person trying. If somebody else doesn't want a relationship with me, I should just accept that and move on because if I don't, I am the only person getting hurt. This has helped me tremendously. I'm not wasting my energy or time on people who don't care. I can focus that instead on my children and husband, and the people who do care in return. It has cleared up my mind and I really like that. I don't give up on relationships easily. The first relationship I gave up was a struggle for about four years. The other for much, much longer--I gave that one up about six months ago and have no regrets. When these people are at a point in their lives when they would like to work on the relationship, I will be here open to it. Until then, lets just all live our own lives! There have been others as well.
The really nice thing is that once I make up my mind not to be bothered by the lack of reciprocity, I feel great. I don't get upset like I thought I would.
All of that being said, these decisions I have made are a lot easier when under the influence of Prozac...LOL! Without my anti-depressant, things are a bit more painful because my mind won't allow itself to think rationally through problems. The strangest part of depression--at least for me--is having the knowledge that my thoughts/actions aren't rational or healthy--and have the complete inability to change them. I want to--but I just don't know how. I can't find the switch to shut it off. With the medication, the switch suddenly appears and I just choose to flip it.
Now for the relationships I cherish. These are the relationships I have with people who care for me as much as I care for them--and aren't afraid to show it. My husband. My children. My best friends. Family members who genuinely care--and who I genuinely care about. These are the relationships that make me happy 98% of the time. Some people--I have never even met, but we communicate through blogs and email. Some people, I haven't seen in years. Some people I don't see or speak to for months at a time, but when we reconnect, it is as though no time has passed at all. Some people I see every day or almost every day. Thank you to all of you who 'get me' and forgive me for not being normal!! I know I am a mess--quirky, random, spastic, irrational, illogical. Thanks to everyone who doesn't care and loves me anyway!