The good news:
I went to sleep around 9 pm last night and slept almost completely through the night. It was very restful and I'm thankful Heath took care of the kids last night so I could get some rest/quiet time.

The bad news:
I have had to ween myself off my anti-depressants because of the pregnancy and I can feel everything coming back. It is an awful feeling to know that my thoughts and some of my actions are irrational, but not knowing how to change them. It isn't as easy as you think. I grew up with depression in my family and always thought in the back of my head that depressed people could control themselves if they really tried. I am here to say now that if they can...I haven't figured out how. It's not that I want to live this way. I don't. I irritate myself, but can't seem to change...no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I can improve my mindset for a little while, but the negativity always comes back with a vengance. I don't know what to do.

The good news:
In seven months I can begin taking the medication again. I know that it works. I know that I am so much happier--and easier to be around when I am on it. I know that I enjoy my family and friends so much more. I know that I like myself so much better. I know that I will probably always have to take it--but that is okay if it helps me be the kind of mother to my children and wife to my husband that I want so much to be.

I'm so thankful to live in a time where this type of help is available. I can't imagine having depression 100 years ago. How awful that must have been. For the time being I'm going to find other ways to sort of center myself. I always feel better when I have had quiet time. Perhaps yoga or pilates will help me out. Meditation always helps, and I have found that aromatherapy works nicely for me too.

I'm not totally into the whole new-age holistic treatments for things, but some of them are quiet nice. Who doesn't want to smell lavendar and sit quietly for five minutes of alone time?