Kaci seems to be improving some.  Doctors and nurses say that her lungs sound better—but we will get another x-ray tomorrow morning.

This afternoon, my friend Patience came to the hospital and babysat Kaci for several hours while I went home to see Heath, Kalyn, Keali, and Kynan.  The girls were happy to see me, and I cried when I saw them.  This is so hard on all of us.  Not the way I planned everything—or wanted it to go, but this is what we are having to do and it is difficult to do it without prior preparations.  We are so blessed to have family and friends who help out so much.

Kaci really took to Patience.  When I got back, she was sleeping peacefully on Patience.  It was cute. 

At home, Keali sang a bunch of made up songs.  It is amazing how much she and Kalyn have grown and changed in the weeks since the twins were born.  They are almost completely different people and I don’t feel like I know them as well.  I can’t wait to really get back together as a family.

I have always been totally in love with my children.  I don’t like that I haven’t been spending as much time with them.  Happily, Christmas break is just around the corner and all of us will be together (assuming Kaci doesn’t stay in the hospital) for a couple of weeks without school or work.  Heath will have to work some, but he will have plenty of time with us too.

I’m still having to work through the events of October 20th.  I mentioned before that I have to work things out completely before I can move past them.  I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time with this.  There is nothing I can do to change what happened.  There was nothing I could do to prevent what happened.  Everything has turned out as well as it could have.  So why am I still so messed up about it?  I welcome any theories. 

It was the closest to death that I have ever been—but I wasn’t thinking about that at the time.  I was only thinking about the well being of the babies.  Maybe I have to come to terms with that before I can move on, but again…what is there to come to terms with?  Everything turned out well. 

It’s driving me crazy.  Maybe I just don’t need so much time to myself with my thoughts.  Going back to work could be very good for me. 

Maybe it is because everything went so far outside of what I had planned. I wasn’t prepared for an early delivery.  I wasn’t prepared for babies that needed a little extra help.  I was sure that things would go my way and I didn’t plan for any other possibility.  I like to plan.  I don’t like it when my plans go so wrong.

Happier thoughts though.  I held Kynan for a while today and even took a nap with him.  He is so much bigger than Kaci.  I haven’t seen the two of them together in almost a week, but he feels so much sturdier than she does.  It’s probably all in the head size, but still.  He is an adorable little boy.  Really the most handsome baby boy I have ever seen.  I may be a bit biased, but I am sure that even if people don’t say it, they are thinking about how cute he is too.  Big beautiful eyes.  His hair is turning a bit red.  So precious! 

Both babies finally look like newborns.  Funny to think that since they are almost 7 weeks old. 

I’ve finished seasons one and two of The Office.  I love this show.  It is soooo funny!  I’m almost halfway through with season three.  Patience brought me some books, and Heath bought me a couple books the other day, so I have plenty to do to keep me busy.  The TV doesn’t have good color to it, so I don’t watch it too much.  I have enjoyed reading a lot lately.  I’ve always enjoyed reading but in recent years haven’t had as much time to do it.  I’ve loved catching up.